Category: Religious: Page 2
Here we have funny Priest Jokes, Nun Jokes and Heaven Jokes. Don't been offended... they're just for entertainment.
Convert to our outrageous religious jokes: God, Pope, Jewish, Christianity, Priests, Nuns, Catholic, Heaven and more.
The atheist was walking through the woods admiring the beauty of spontaneous life. He was looking at the trees, the beauty of the birds, the beautiful flowers, feeling the fresh wind in his face. While walking, he noticed a bear following him. He sped up his pace, looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was getting close. Starting to run, he looked over his shoulder again and saw the bear was closer even still. Now on a dead run he tripped and fell.
The bear was on top of him getting ready to rip him to shreads when the atheist screamed out, "Ooohhh my God,no, no!"
The wind stopped, the bear stopped, the clouds stopped, and a bright light shown down from Heaven.
"I am God," the voice proclaimed, "Are you ready to become a Christian and believe in me for the rest of your days on this earth?"
The atheist said, "Yes I am, but in all respect, I also want the bear to become a God-fearing Christian."
"Granted," said the voice. The trees started to move, the wind started blowing and the clouds began to move again.
The bear sat up, put his paws together and said, "God, thank you for this meal for which I am about to receive."
A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."
The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little dick like you."
One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."
Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!"
So far today, God, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes God, I'm going to get out of this bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries it.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and swearing and saying, 'What happened next?'"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known to man.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past 2 hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves!"
This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.
He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!"
So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words, and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind, when he said each word.
The first word he said was "rock". They immediately started singing "Rock of Ages".
The second word he said was "blood", and they sang "Power in the Blood."
The third word was "cross," and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross."
The fourth word he said was "sex".
Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet. Way in the back of the church, an 87 year old lady stood up and started singing "Memories".
2 People r in love with each other.They agree to marry.The girl's father asks the man to do a number of chores.The condition is that if he makes atleast 2 mistakes the marriage is off.The man agrees.When he is hanging the girl's clothes on the line he accidentally tears the girl's bra.First mistake.Feeling thirsty he absent-mindedly drank the girl's glass of milk.Second mistake.The girl goes and informs her father that her boy friend tore her bra and drank her milk!!!
