Category: Religious
Here we have funny Priest Jokes, Nun Jokes and Heaven Jokes. Don't been offended... they're just for entertainment.
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Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor".
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."
Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.
Some months later, Jesus is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.
"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...
"LORD & TAYLOR"
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The Priest said "That's the trouble with you protestants, you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!"
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
Half the women stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said. "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the cattle, and over all the earth.
And so God Created Man in his own image, male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live healthy lives.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, so that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth Chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and His Cholesterol went through the roof.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil!"
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said. "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan smiled and created HMOs.
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining about their lives. They was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK you have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger asshole or smaller eggs."
John, a son of Blarney, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they're hitting the Guinness pretty good and lay bets as to who can give the best toast.
John hoists his beer glass: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovin' wife!"
That wins him top honors. He goes home and tells his wife Mary: "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She says: "Really, and what was your toast?"
John recites: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John," Mary says.
The next day Mary runs into one of John's buddies on the street. With a chuckle, the man leers: "John won last night's prize with a toast about you Mary."
"Yes," she says. "And I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
