Category: Deep Thoughts
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If everything is shipped in newspapers, then what are newspapers shipped in?
Okay, if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags".
And the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs."
What does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why do "tug" boats push their barges? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Why is bra singular and panties plural? Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
If they arrest the Energizer bunny would they charge it with battery?
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
Abra-Kebabra: Magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor. Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. Vagina Decliner, Starfish Trooper or Asstronaut: A homosexual. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too fucked up to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from. BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. Boiler Suit: The prosecution charges that you did willfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night. Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. For example, one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend. Budgie's Tongue or Small Man In A Boat or Tongue Punchbag: The female erection. BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead. Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker. Cliterature: 1-handed reading material. Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different. Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously. Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites. Frigmarole: Unnecessary time-consuming foreplay. FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed. Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session. Hefty Cleft or Horse's Collar or Welly Top: Description of a very large pussy. Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's ain't shit in there worth seeing. Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!". 10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only mack on after drinking at least 10 pints. NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd mack on instantly in the pub. Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. Sperm Wail or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst during the male orgasm. X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus. Titanic: A girl who goes down first time out. Todger Dodger: A lesbian. Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that your dead relatives are watching you with disgust.
