Amiable: You love the smell of other people's farts.
Proud: You think your farts are exceptionally fine.
Shy: You release silent farts and then blush.
Impudent: You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.
Unfortunate: You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.
Scientific: You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.
Nervous: You stop in the middle of your fart.
Honest: You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.
Dishonest: You far and then blame the dog.
Foolish: You suppress your farts for hours.
Thrifty: You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.
Anti-Social: When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.
Strategic: You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.
Sadistic: You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.
Intellectual: You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.
Athletic: You fart at the slightest exertion.
Miserable: You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.
Sensitive: You fart and then start crying.
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
Gas-sy Poopie The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!
Drinker Poopie The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie (Self explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.
Liquid Poopie The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.
The Suprise Poopie You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!
The Dangling Poopie This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, ''Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
Forrest Gump is wrong, Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's like a jar of jalapenos. You never know when it's going to burn your ass.
Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.