Category: Animal Jokes: Page 2
Chicken, Elephant, Parrot, Dog, Cat, Lions and Tigers and Bears oh My! We have a variety of Animals and Creatures Jokes here
From cats to frogs, or from Chicken Crossing the road jokes to Everyone's Crossing the road..
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.
To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word 'walk,' yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word 'come?'
2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, Don't worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?
3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, It's time to go home, yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?
If you answered 'yes' to most of these questions . . . relax, your dog is normal!
To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
If you answered 'yes' to most of these questions . . . relax, your cat is normal!
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
There was a woman who had just finished taking a shower. Her five year old son walked into the bathroom and pointed to her front part and asked, "Mom, what's that?" "It's my mop she said." So he asked, "So, where's the stick?" "Daddy's going to put it in tonight," she said.
There is this guy that wanted to start a farm, but being from New York City, known nothing about farming.
He moved to another country and bought a farm. One day he set out to find some animals. He was driving along the country road and saw a guy selling Hens. He stopped and asked the guy, "How much for the hens?" The guy selling the hens replies, "Well, these cost extra, they are not hens, these are called Pullits." The New Yorker agrees and pays the extra money. So he gets in his car with his Pullit and drives father down the road.
He then sees a guy selling roosters, He walks up to the guy and says, "How much for the Roosters?" The guy replies, "Well these aren't roosters these are cocks and they cost extra." Again the New Yorker agrees and pays the extra money for the cock. Feeling good about himself he gets into he car and continues to drive down the road.
Then he sees someone selling donkeys. He stops and asks, "How much for the donkey?" The person selling the donkey then replies, "Well, these donkey aren't just donkey they are called asses, they cost extra!" The New Yorker agrees and pays the extra money. Just as he was about to leave with his donkey the person that sold him it calls out, "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell ya, every thirty minutes you have to scratch it's head or it will get grumpy."
The new Yorker now was getting tired and got in his car with the animals he had just bought and decided it was time to drive the 45 miles home. After thirty minutes of driving he remembered what the Donkey seller told him. He saw some one walking on the side of the road a pulled over. Got out of the car and Said, "Can you hold my cock and pullit, while I scratch my ass?"
a bear walks upto the bar & says to the bar man "i would like a pint of " then he pawsed for a while then asked for a beer the bar man then said "whats the long paws for" the bear siad i was born with them
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
THERE WAZ A DOG AND A CAT AND THEY WERE HUNGRY SO THEY DECIDED TO GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT THEY ATE SOO MUCH THAT ON THE WAY HOME THEYRE LEGS LOOKED LIKED THEY WERE BEING POLITE "NO U 1ST, NO U 1ST"
