Category: Animal Jokes
Chicken, Elephant, Parrot, Dog, Cat, Lions and Tigers and Bears oh My! We have a variety of Animals and Creatures Jokes here
From cats to frogs, or from Chicken Crossing the road jokes to Everyone's Crossing the road..
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lots of money. Consequently, I 'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddend by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting close."
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady." She paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "you know."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now. (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. Whew, says the leopard. That was close. That dog nearly had me.
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine.
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, What am I going to do now? But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!! weeks and pay only $20.30?
A guy named David recieved a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a expletive. Those that wern't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change thebird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
This lady was in a pet shop, when she spotted this parrot, and fell in love with it as soon as she saw it. She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird. He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been brought up from a chick in a brothel, and had picked up some of the lingo. The woman said that she'd still like to have the bird, her kids were old enough to tolerate any bad language.
So she purchased the bird and took it home and put it in the lounge room. When she took the cloth off the cage, the parrot gave a squak, then said, Wow, how about this, a new brothel and a new madame!
I'm not your madame, and this is not a brothel! the woman exclaimed, but laughed.
A little after that her two daughters arrived home, at which the bird skwarked again. Wow, how about this, a new brothel, a new madame, and two new whores! The girls were shocked, but they all had a laugh, after all, they could all see the funny side of things.
Afterward, the woman's husband come home. At that, the bird said Ah, how about this, a new brothel, a new madame, two new whores, but the same old customers. How are ya Tony?
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Man sees a gorilla in his tree calls the cops they say its the gorilla that escaped from the zoo we will send somebody out few minutes later a zoo truck pulls up a man gets out with a dog,a set of handcuffs and a shotgun zoo man asks for the homeowners help homeowners asks what he has to do zoo man say "i will climb up in the tree and knock the gorilla to the ground, the dog will run up and bite him in the crouch and then you handcuff him homeowner says "whats the shotgun for?" zoo man says "in case that gorilla knocks me out of the tree, shoot that damn dog"
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to where do pets come from? Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And the Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
So they flew down to the ground and found a nice part of a newly plowed field that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "Okay, "said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. Soon they were drifting off into slumber.
But, no sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...