Category: Political Jokes
Political Jokes - Goverment Jokes, Politician Jokes and Military Jokes
When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money. (George W. Bush)
One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a 'World Records' competition. The first one entered the 'smallest feet' contest and won. The second one entered the 'smallest hands' contest and one. The third entered the 'smallest penis' contest -- and lost. He came away, very dejected. "What happened?" asked his friends. "Who's Bill Clinton?"
At a meeting for peace negotiations President Bush and Sadamm Hussein were in Iraq. When Bush sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm had three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes, Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bush square in the jaw.
In the spirit of peace Bush decided to ignore this and continued talking until Sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hit Bush in the chin.
Sadamm started laughing, but again Bush ignored this and continued.
A minute later Bush saw Sadamm press the third button so he jumped in the air, but a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bush had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington DC and Sadamm sat down in Bush's conference room. He noticed that Bush also had three buttons on the arm of his chair.
A little while after they started talking Bush pressed the first button but nothing happened. Bush started giggling.
They continued to talk then Bush pressed the second button. Sadamm moved, but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bush was laughing even harder now.
A few minutes later Bush pressed the third button and his stomach started hurting because he was laughing so hard, but like the others nothing happened.
Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Iraq!"
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.
"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil!
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs, leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future!"
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a fucking Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be fucking somebody!"
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no" muttered the President. "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
