Category: Little Johnny
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Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow! It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long. Honest! Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost flipped the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks fucking. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!"
Ten-year-old Johnny was walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a dead flattened frog on a string behind it, when he came up to the doorstep of a whorehouse. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it. When she saw him with his wagon and frog, she just stared and asked what he wanted.
Johnny said "I know what you sell in there, I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving 'till I get it!"
She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick out the girl he liked.
Johnny asked, "Do any of these girls have any diseases?"
Well, the madam was somewhat surprised, but of course, she told him, "No".
Johnny replied: "Well, I heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and that is the girl I want. I have the money to pay for it."
The madam stared incredulously at him, but finally told him "Well, alright then. Mabel it is. Go upstairs and to the first room on the right."
So, Johnny headed up the stairs dragging the smashed frog behind him. About ten minutes later, he came back down the stairs, still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him.
"Since you already knew about Mabel, why on earth would you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" she asked Johnny.
He answered back, "Well, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. When they leave, I am going to screw her, and give her the disease I just caught.
When mom and dad get home, dad will drive the baby-sitter home. On the way, he will screw her too, just like he always does, and he will catch it from her.
When dad gets back home, he and mom will go to bed, and they will make love, and mom will catch it too.
Then, in the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he will screw my mom, and he will catch it, and he's the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers: "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
One day five year old Johnny was at Peter's house and they were sharing a bath. So Johnny noticed that his penis was not like Peters. When he got home he explained the situation to his father and demanded an explanation.
"Well Johnny", his father said, "you have been circumcised."
"What does that mean?", asked Johnny.
"Well the front was cut off", replied his father.
"Wait a minute", screamed Johnny, "so how big was it before you cut it off?"
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".