Category: Drunks Bars Jokes: Page 2
This is THE place for Bar and Drunk Jokes !! We have the very Best of the Bar Jokes.
Good Excuse, Translastions, Drunk Test, One Night, Bar Trouble, Drunk Thief, Drunk Meter and more..
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him? she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room. FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door. ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.
This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"
So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!
"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"
Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"
"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"
"We'll see," says the bartender.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."
"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."
A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."
"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."
"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice, she esponded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."
"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."
"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Dave - I've told you! That's it!"
"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"
She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."
"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well."