Category: Drunks Bars Jokes: Page 3
This is THE place for Bar and Drunk Jokes !! We have the very Best of the Bar Jokes.
Good Excuse, Translastions, Drunk Test, One Night, Bar Trouble, Drunk Thief, Drunk Meter and more..
A lady walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."
So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"
She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord. The snail replies that he wants a drink."Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway". The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed
up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord. "What did you do that
A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks.
A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way.
Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual."
To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?"
"Yeah, my wife does."
There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, 'How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?' The man said, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.'
me and 2 friends went out for a good time so we dicided to go to a bar for a few quick drinks so we chould go to a club me and vannesa were having a great time when a fine guy came up to here and asked do u whant to karreokie with me she said only if u can sing farts in hell he said shure so they were up there singing but every few seconds they farted the people singing where vannesa and canyon the funnist part was when canyon said he liked her boobs and farts then 2 years down the road they are married and have twin boys and 1 little girl
it was a drunk man in a bar one night. a guy walk up in starts talkin time goes by really fast in the bar was about to close down so the guy lift the drunk man up in carried him home when he reached the drunk men house his wife came to the door in said "weres his wheel chair at"
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!
