Category: Gender Humor: Page 2
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Males.. are they better than females? or females rules..
On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."
Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay. There'd be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness. Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained. Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute. Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm. Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags. They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him." Paternity suits would be a line of clothes. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Why did Freddy kill Martin Luther King? Because he had a dream
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore. 8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances. 3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood. 4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental. 2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION 1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state. 2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS 1. May explode spontaneously without cause. 2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time. 3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.
We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry to get out of speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick.
